Mar 18, 2010

The other people

Reading Johnny and Darrens blog brought me to a big thought. We, all of us surrogacy parents are part of our own secret tribe. Those who are blessed to have children the ole fashioned way are not in our club. They will never understand our desires, nor appreciate all we go through to fill them. They will never carry the same debt that we do to have children. They will never get how we yearn to spend a night awake with a crying baby and not complain, whine and bitch about how difficult it is. Even if the other people support us, can they truely understand us? I think not. I am not trying to piss anyone off, it's just difficult for me to hear that people make the comments they do, as if we surrogacy parents have no idea what we are in for when we finally have a baby. They assume we will not be able to handle it and assume we will need extra help as they are alot of work as Rhonda was so blatently told. Why is this?? Why can't the other people understand us? For the other people who support us, we do truely love you for it. Jon of Bonjour Parenthood comments about losing friends and gaining friends, and Edward was asked if this was on purpose and who's baby is it! Ugh...I just wonder what is wrong with people, especially those close to us who really understand our struggles.
Ok, my rant is over. Onto bigger and better things - our TWW!!


  1. Kerrie
    The "Others" (thinking of the TV Series Lost - HAHAHAHA), are definately a noose around our necks, whether we are straight, gay, married, single, etc. Not all but there are definately a lot of unsympathetic and insensitive people out there who don't get the surrogacy thing. I believe that surrogacy babies (espeically those born via Indian surrogates) are the MOST LOVED babies of all, because of the extreme measures we have to go through to bring these babies into the world. How can we possibly complain about anything - nasty diapers and sleepless nights - when we put it in that perspective? If people who have babies via conventional means were to go through the same rigamarole they would understand and be more sympathetic to our situation.

  2. I can also relate and I think all of us that have had infertility issues and need lots of help for our miracles can relate as well. Neither of these roads are easy but we keep the Faith that all will work out in the end with a miracle to hold in our arms every day.

    I read your blog all the time and say prayers for you and all my other blog friends in tough situations for the family you long for daily. I pray that your day will come sooner than later and when it does your litle one will have more love than they know what to do with. Stay strong and as positive as you can and one day it will all be worth it!

  3. You're right, Kerrie--people who haven't gone through all this don't get it...and never will. While I occasionally complain about dirty diapers and sleepless nights, I thank God in the same breath to be dealing with both. Can't wait until you are experiencing the same!

  4. Kerrie, it's true that those able to have a family the 'ole fashioned way' do not understand what 'we' endure to start ours. Perhaps people really just don't give enough though to their comments prior to making them.

    I agree with Jon's comment that if most people had to travel to India to start their family the same way as we do there would be more compassion and consideration.

    The collective 'we' really do have a great group of supporters in each other!


  5. And within our tribe we have further tribes - same sex parents, children conceived via egg donation, biological children and so on. Each comes with its unique challenges, but we're SO great at supporting each other that we can empathise with what others are experiencing.

    I remember explaining to Asha - that fabulous private nurse many of us have used in Mumbai - that as these babies of ours are the most wanted ever (how easy it would have been for any of us to quit before getting this far into the process) that people have to understand that we might be a bit hesitant handing them over to anyone else for a very, very long time. And this included her when Nik wouldn't give her Alex so he could have a break. Tracy (Million Rupee Baby) touched on this eons ago and she was dead right.

  6. Go Kerrie! We also agree with you and it's always nice when someone writes your same thoughts/feelings. We are truly all in this together - the good times, the sad times, the difficult times and the happy times. Regardless of what happens, we are all here for one another.

  7. Well Said Kerrie! Who do these people think they are? I feel that we become better parents because we have to put so much time and energy into becoming parents. We focus on our medical results and are always second guessing things because we can't believe it is happening. We are all here for each other. Who needs the haters. They will never understand what we go through emotionally or physically. We will be in Mumbai when you get your results!!! Maybe we will be bringing back your ultrasound. If it is ready We will bring it back and send it to you :)

    Let's hope that peter cottontail leaves some good eggs in the basket ;)

  8. I think this says it all...............found on another blog. "Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones; "just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "why can't you just be happy with what you have," or the most painful from the ones who seem to have the good on God's plan; "maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never ceases to amaze me. These same people would never walk up to someone with cancer and say, "maybe God never meant for you to live." However since I am infertile, I am supposed to get on with my life.It is hard to understand why people cannot see infertility for what it is: a disease for which I have the right to seek treatment. What if doctors said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of children to be cripples, live in iron lungs or die." What if they never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that was God's plan?Why do I think God gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up each time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, and to create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility. No, God never meant for me NOT to have children. That is not my destiny, that is just a fork in the road I am on. I have been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I am a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and have greater inner strength on this journey to resolution and I haven't let him down.Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and deep that when the baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest most refreshing drink I have ever known. While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never experience the joy that I know awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And, the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility, I already know." ~Anon.


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