Nov 18, 2010

Where has the time gone?

16 days til I board a plane to Delhi! I am on day 17 of my down regulation...long protocol, too long!  The needles sliding into my abdomen are starting to be quite painful.  Somehow my body is resisting the needle tip which makes it difficult to slide in.  Its all psychosomatic I know, but it still hurts like a bugger.  I get to continue my down regulation until retrieval and on November 30th I get to add in a secondary needle with a large dose of Gonal F.
 Last night I had a mild internal freak out, not sure why, but I did.  I am an old pro at cycling and travelling to India, but maybe because this is my first time cycling in India it all feels new, and different.  With the upcoming trip also comes the substantial wire of funds out of our line of credit.  I think the money has me panicking as well. You  can probably imagine that after a few trips to India,  a couple of cycles and four cryo shipments, we are carrying some debt, and the thought of taking on more is just a tad stressful.  Also knowing this is more than likely our last shot at surrogacy increases the pressure. I have bi-polar moments of reflection on the past two years.  The one side of my thoughts is that this is just our path and we are only stronger as a result and the other side is angry, frustrated and scared to death of the never ending debt we carry and may possibly end up with nothing to show for it. When we signed up for the surrogacy journey, we knew there was a cost, we were not foolish.  We never expected to be on attempt #5 carrying the same debt as if we had been successful on try number one.  Ok, writing this had resolved my freak out...its money!  I know we have a lifetime to pay it off,  and if we are successful it will all be worth it. There is no magic money pill, so I will just have to embrace the payments and hopefully can log on to online banking with a baby on my lap in the future and tell them stories of why mommy has to make these payments (no guilt..lol).   Baby Lila's blog is called Million Rupee Baby, makes sense, so I may change our blog name to Three Million Rupee Baby :)
Ok, enough of the money drama.  This will be my one and only post on it.  Its the inevitable and I am sure others have felt the same pressure and chose not to dwell publicly on their blogs.  I also am aware of the long stays in India after baby is born and the financial crunch that puts on you.  What doesn't kill us makes us stronger!

10 comments:

  1. Um hello!!! I am depressed plus have anxiety in regards to the $$$...i had a mini melt down yesterday in the parking lot!! This is why it takes us a while to try because we only have enough for 1 more try...NO MORE!! we are wiped out in all directions....writing does solve our problems i swear....the more attempts the harder it gets not easier!!

    Hand in there hun, we are always a phone call away to let it all out!!

    Day 17?? damn thats long...my body was rejecting the needles too!!

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  2. Kerrie, It's only money and you will get through this as well with that baby on your lap. Good travels.

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  3. One of my favorite sayings and one we have all had to live by too many times. I know the feeling, its been over a year now and we are still financially struggling, AND I only took 90 days unpaid leave. Its just so unfair that the miracle of life has to come down to the $$$$. Here is hoping the 5th time is the charm my dear. Sending your hugs my Canadian friend.

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  4. I have told Carrie-Jo numerous times that I wish I had the money for her surro buddies to attempt surrogacy without the added stress of finances. I hope and pray this attempt at parenthood is successful for you. Love and hugs, GeGe

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  5. Believe me, I understand your stress. I think one of the hardest parts is the uncertainty of success. Its scary. I have all my fingers and toes crossed that you get a healthy positive so at least you will see an end goal.

    Hugs,
    Amber

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  6. I just stumbled on your blog and want to wish you ALL THE SUCCESS VIBES I can muster... this is bound to be the *miracle* you're hoping for... your new motto? 5th Time's a Charm!?!

    Hugs and Prayers from the Midwest.

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  7. Have you thought of a guided visualisation to assist with the jabs? Think of it as a pesky insect bite while you're laying on a hammock in the most amazing beach front location in the world, where of course you have full ocean views there are no other people but you have a butler/cook/masseuse/insert your fantasy on call 24/7. Or think of it as kisses from your baby. Still painful I know, but so are most kisses from little people as they're accompanied by a lot of head butting. The amount of times I've had my nose smashed...

    And hear you loud and clear from the financial front. We've got the added issue of being on one income until the boys go to school, so super tough budget time is coming up (we've still gone backwards with the half tough budget). But you know what?? It's still worth it. All of it. And remind me of that when we start eating canned spaghetti and nothing else... : )

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  8. Sending you hugs for the financial pain and bigger hugs for the needle jabs. This time everything is different, it is a fresh cycle, not FET, you have great eggs and embies from previous cycles, this is the time for you Kerrie. Focus on that with each job, and say "My turn has come".

    Amani xxx

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  9. Yes, the money thing sucks. Tim and I often joke about what a bizarre world it is, where children are free. Ha ha. The ironic thing is that in Aus, the Govt even pays you to have babies. It's called the baby bonus and they give you 5000 bucks per child. Hah.

    My dear, this one will work.

    I'm asking Griffin to ask his celestial baby buddies to come to the party.

    Kerrie and Mark's baby, wherever you are, we're ready for you!!!! Come home.

    x

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  10. Ah you guys are all great! I know it is all worth it, just sometimes I need to crack my hard exterior and have my melt downs.

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